I’ve recently accepted that I only know how to process the emotions of lust and rage. I have been conditioned to avoid most of the emotional spectrum by family, friends, and society itself. I distinctly remember crying when I was smaller over some disappointments and being told repeatedly by my grandfather and uncles that behavior wasn’t appropriate for men.

I have been heartbroken repeatedly now, but I still haven’t found a healthy way to deal with it. I can’t even talk about it without experiencing a huge wave of humiliation. I’m supposed to be an emotional anchor, not a wreck. Be in control of my feelings, not a slave. I’d rather drown in alcohol and other pussy than feel like I’m drowning in sorrow.

I’m probably no different from most Black men. But I think it’s uncommon to realize that this is a problem. And I’m sure it’s even rarer to attempt to address it.

I love to indulge in the “post-racial society” bullshit, but how can we as Black people actually be members? 200+ years of slavery. 100 years of Jim Crow. 20 years of COINTELPRO. 20 years (and counting) of the crack cocaine epidemic. Our entire history is riddled with oppression, external and internal discrimination, and self-deprivation to the point I don’t even think we know what it is to be human.

Showing emotions is human. Processing, expressing, and addressing emotions is human.

And we can’t.

Well, I can’t.

Machismo and misogyny is well-known in Hip-Hop. We celebrate being able to take care of our family, while simultaneously degrading its cornerstone: our women. We ball out for women, and ridicule them for being gold diggers. We celebrate our ability fuck as many women as possible, then call women whores when they exercise their own sexual freedom.

Meanwhile, artists that predate the Drake phenomenon have always been mocked or discarded for exploring the whole spectrum of emotion (like Common). We’re attacking the men that pride themselves on providing for their women on a physical, financial and emotional level. Men that express the hurt in being rejected, disappointed, or betrayed. Men that exposes the weaknesses in the Black man’s uber-masculine persona.

It’s scary, but I think it’s necessary. This conditioning, employed for generations now, is reaching its breaking point. I’m hearing far more common stories of men losing their shit and attacking their families on some savagery. When shaking the shit out of a woman or choking a bitch or even rape can be thought of as a joke, the last vestiges of sensitivity or dying out.

We shouldn’t let that happen.

Well, at least I can’t for myself.

First I have to learn to shed a tear again.